The Eternal Ramblings of a Conflicting Mind

A likes B, but B likes C. C isn't sure she likes B, bcos her sights are set on D, and D happens to be a player, who honestly doesn't give hoot. Sounds familar? This is how life is. You DO NOT have control. Learn to live with it. I try everyday. Doesn't quite work all the time, but I try nevertheless. What makes a man? (Or rather, what makes a woman...) One that thinks and acts? Or one that thinks too much, tries hard to act, but never got anywhere... It's all the same. That is how life is... how life will always be. It is such a lovely thing to know that despite all the good riddance to bad rubbish, that will always be moments of joy. Immense and total joy. Those that remind us why it is so good to be alive. Then, there are also times that are bad.... those that are around to tell us to treasure and remember those times of good. Cliche? You bet ...

Always suspected myself to be a self-centred individual. Never quite gotten round to getting it proven. I profess to be a good and loyal friend to most people, and I mean to be one who gives help whenever help is needed of me. But still, I can't help but wonder ... I have a family who says they love me unreservedly. But are they really what they seem? Sometimes I feel that their love is never really unconditional. There will always be a tug-of-war of sorts to trade their love for my attention. And sometimes, i feel like my mother wants to own me downright. Why can life be simpler? With less strings attached? Lately, my friends have been complaining about me. That I've been neglecting them. That I'm too preoccuppied by other friends. There is a certain truth in it, though. The reason is more likely because I've began to feel a sense of release and freedom, when I am not tied to any camp of people. Friends are precious and few. And it's never easy to tell them that,

It feels good ... Been like that for the past few days. It's been a long time since I've felt this much appreciated at work. It gives meaning to staying up late, giving up sleep to get things done. Most importantly, it gives me the strength to feel self-assured and confident about myself. Sometimes, there are moments where you really cannot tell where life is going to lead you. I never thought I'd manage to get to where I am now. 10 years of trudging through the unknown, and viola! I suddenly found my place ... and my passion. Give me hope too. To know that despite the lows in the past, I have experienced and grown. And that although things as well as I had hoped in my own private life, I can come back to the security of my career. It's a bit sad to think that I don't have anyone I love to share this success with, but I think I can live with that ... with a little encouragement from myself, of course.

It's amazing how events unfold in life. There are times when i fear i will loose my sanity (not that I have much of it in the first place). I look with wonder at the strength and frailty of human relationships and i cannot hlep but feel that perhaps I am not really ready to face the world. It is such melancholic meanderings of the mind that remind me of being alive. That I am human, and capable of love and affection. However, it is also with dread and fear that I find myself feeling for another human being more than I can bear. I had thought myself to be self-centered and utterly obnoxious. Is it even possible for me to fall this deep and with such mindless self-deprecation? I cannot phantom the outcome of this folly. It is beyond my control ... How else shall I remind myself that I am alive? How else can I comprehend such fool-hardiness? It is beyond my control ...

It can be unrequited It can be mutual It might bring pain It might bring joy It makes you wanna throw your hands up in the air and give up It makes you secretly yearn for the impossible and the unlikely Attrachtion does not speak of reason. Attraction moves around, as if silence is the cover for the night Closing on the one drinking in the darkness An illusive and unpredictable entity…

I think my temper is getting worse with the advancement of age. Just got off the phone with a vendor/partner. Drove me up the wall with all his blabber. After 15 minutes of conversation, I still COULD NOT understand his point... Either I'm too smart or he is absolutely clueless. (maybe both) It just a simple excercise of 1.) identifying the problem 2.) knowing who is involved 3.) some basic steps to move forward... Gosh ... It's not rocket science, you know??? Why is it so difficult for people to be PRECISE with what they're trying to say? You'll have to excuse me ... Gotta go vomit blood liao ...

多想潇洒地走开 只是觉得前路很难 讨厌那种失控的心情 做人应该不是那么地困惑 太多无聊的想法 更多无畏的顾虑 坚强不是假装 绝对会有成功的一天 相信自己会渐渐淡忘 没有绝对的对、错 只有一片没有尽头的无奈 听见雨夜的声音 知道雨后 绝对会有晴天 25 June 2006 5.00 AM Dedicated to my muse ... It's always a joy to see her ...

It's rather quiet in the office today. Everyone's taken leave, it seems. Damn... I should have done the same. This streak of mood swings is driving me nuts. Can't seem to reverse this bout of useless meandering of thoughts. Ah well ... another day in lala land...

Excerpts from Eloisa to Abelard By Alexander Pope How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd ... … No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole; Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll! Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me, Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee. ...